The Cheese Shop Sketch
by Monty Python’s Flying Circus
NOTE: Friday was National Cheese Day! So we ripped and edited this sketch.
And then last night PBS had a special about “Monty Python’s Flying Circus” on.
So, here it is. Makes us laugh everytime! Cue the Bouzouki music.
INTERIOR: CHEESE SHOP
(a customer walks in the door.)
Customer (John Cleese): Good Morning.
Owner (Michael Palin): Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!
Customer: Ah thank you my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
C: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through ‘Rogue Herrys’ by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.
O: Peckish, sir?
C: Esuriant. O: Eh?
C: ‘Ee I were all ‘ungry-like! O: Ah, hungry!
C: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, ‘a little fermented curd will do the trick’, so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!
O: Come again?
C: I want to buy some cheese.
O: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!
C: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
C: ‘Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tune, ‘yer forced to!
O: So he can go on playing, can he?
C: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.
O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
C: Well, eh, how about a little Red Leicester.
O: I’m, a-fraid we’re fresh out of Red Leicester, sir.
C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
O: I’m afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.
C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.
O: Ah! It’s beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
C: ‘T’s Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese? O: Sorry, sir.
C: Red Windsor? O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
C: Ah. Stilton? O: No.
C: Gruyere? Emmental? O: No.
C: Any Norwegian Jarlsberger, per chance? O: No.
C: Liptauer? O: No.
C: Lancashire? O: No.
C: White Stilton? O: No.
C: Danish Blue? O: No.
C: Double Gloucester? O: (pause) No.
C: Cheshire? O: No.
C: Dorset Blue Vinney? O: No.
C: Brie, Roquefort, Pont-l’Eveque, Port Salut, Savoyard, Saint-Paulin, Carre-de-L’Est, Boursin, Bresse Bleu, Perle de Champagne? O: No.
C: Camembert, perhaps?
O: Ah! We have Camembert, yessir.
C: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
O: Yessir. It’s ah… it’s a bit runny.
C: Oh, I like it runny.
O: Well,.. It’s very runny, actually, sir.
C: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!
O: I…think it’s a bit runnier than you’ll like it, sir.
C: I don’t care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
O: Oooooooooohhh……..! (pause)
C: What now?
O: The cat’s eaten it.
C: (pause) Has he? O: She, sir.
C: Gouda? O: No.
C: Edam? O: No.
C: Caithness? O: No.
C: Smoked Austrian? O: No.
C: Japanese Sage Darby? O: No sir.
C: You… do have some cheese, don’t you?
O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It’s a cheese shop, sir. We’ve got-
C: No no… don’t tell me. I’m keen to guess.
O: Fair enough.
C: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale. O: Yes sir?
C: Ah, well, I’ll have some of that!
O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that’s my name.
C: Greek Feta? O: Uh, not as such.
C: Uuh, Gorgonzola? O: No
C: Parmesan? O: No
C: Mozzarella? O: No
C: Pippo Creme? O: No
C: Danish Fimboe? O: No
C: Czech sheep’s milk? O: No
C: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese? O: Not -today-, sir, no.
C: Aah, how about Cheddar?
O: Well, we don’t get much call for it around here, sir.
C: Not much ca–It’s the single most popular cheese in the world!
O: Not ’round here, sir.
C: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular cheese ’round hyah?
O: ‘Illchester, sir.
C: IS it?
O: Oh, yes, it’s staggeringly popular in this manusquire.
C: Is it?
O: It’s our number one best seller, sir!
C: I see. Uuh… ‘Illchester, eh?
O: Right, sir.
C: All right. Okay. ‘Have you got any?’ He asked, expecting the answer ‘no’.
O: I’ll have a look, sir.. nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
C: It’s not much of a cheese shop, is it?
O: Finest in the district sir!
C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
O: Well, it’s so clean, sir!
C: It’s certainly uncontaminated by cheese.
O: (brightly) You haven’t asked me about Limburger, sir.
C: Would it be worth it?
O: Could be.
C: Have you —SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI OFF!
O: Told you sir…
C: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?
C: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place……. Tell me:
C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all?
O: No. Not really, sir.
C: You haven’t.
O: No sir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.
C: Well I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to shoot you.
O: Right-0, sir.
(The customer takes out a gun and shoots the shopkeeper)
C: What a senseless waste of human life.
“And now for something completely different…..”
A wee bit more Monty Python is necessary.
‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on!
This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be!
‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker!
‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e rests in peace!
If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the perch ‘e’d be pushing up the daisies!
‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig!
‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil,
run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!
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