The 86 Rules of the Bar!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The 86 Rules of the Bar!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Bar at the Roof on Wilshire in West Los Angeles, California

First, a very important message for all my Friends:

The Bar at El Torito Mexican Restaurant in Sherman Oaks, California

PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE read these rules!!!

NOTE: We ripped these rules from the interweb.
“Learn it. Know it. Live it.”

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar.
Preferably during Happy Hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shots gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

The Casino Bar at The Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is really dumb.

7. Never bum more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the urge to order a slightly-dirty,
very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist.
Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender’s attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. DO NOT make eye contact with the bartender if you don’t want a drink.


11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot:
“Great, now I’m going to get drunk.”
“I hate shots.”
“It’s coming back up.”

12. NEVER, ever tell your bartender they made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He’ll get the message.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

The Bar at the Lakeside Cafe in Encino, California

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don’t have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public….
and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.


21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you’re doing the same thing:
urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom.
Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror.
It will shake your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout ‘woo-hoo!’
if you are doing a shot with four or more people.


26. If there is a DJ, you can request a song only once per night.
If he doesn’t play it within half an hour, don’t approach him again.
If he does play it, don’t approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin.
You’ll be surprised how well it works.

28. If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to drink in a bar.
Go to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

Drink this.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months,
you may drink all their beer, even if it’s hidden, as long as you leave them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor
only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least 2 cans
before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers.
If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

Altitude Lounge in San Diego, California – Night

36. If you ever feel depressed, get a bartender’s guide
and then browse thru all the drinks you’ve never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If you’re the bar’s only customer,
you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender.
Until he stops acknowledging you. Then you’re off the hook.
The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you.
If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change,
but, once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back.
To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same”
– You are a cheap ass.

The Bar at Kaleidoscope Pizzeria in Medford, Oregon

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is
by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up.
If you break a glass, wait for the staff to clean it up, then blame someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

45. It’s okay to drink alone.

George Thorogood LIVE – “One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer”
with Elvin Bishop at the Capitol Theatre on 7/5/1984

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman’s name right after she tells you.
The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.

47. Nothing screams ‘Gay’ louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

48. Men don’t drink from straws. Unless you’re doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don’t plan to finish it, don’t accept it.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

The Bar at The Brickroom in Ashland, Oregon

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

52. Your songs will come on as you’re leaving the bar. (EVERYTIME!)

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don’t know.

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot.
If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.


56. Screaming, “SOMEONE BUY ME A DRINK!” has never worked.

57. For every drink, there is a 5% better chance you will get in a fight.
There is also a 3% better chance you will lose that fight.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is HILARIOUS!

59. If you’re broke and a friend is “sporting you”,
you must laugh at all his jokes
and play wingman when he makes his move.

60. If you’re broke and a friend is “ragging on you”,
you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

The Bar in Hollywood (that is no longer there)

61. Never rest your head on a table or the bar top.
It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend
and he asks if you want another, always say “YES”.
Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

63. If you’re going to hit on a member of the bar staff,
make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

Classic Vodka Martini


2-1/2 oz Vodka (a premium brand)
1/2 oz dry vermouth
Green olives or lemon peel for garnish

Chill a martini glass in advance.
For a stirred martini: 
Pour vodka and vermouth into a mixing glass or shaker filled with ice.
Stir vigorously until chilled (about 20 seconds).
Strain into a martini glass, garnish with olives or lemon peel
For a shaken martini:
Fill a shaker with ice. Add vodka and vermouth. Shake until chilled.
Strain into a martini glass, garnish with olives or lemon peel

See our Cocktail Recipe Pages in the sidebar>>>>
Search for our other (Tiki) Cocktail Recipes and previous Blog Posts!


66. Asking a bartender “what beers are on tap?”
when the tap handles are right in front of you, is just like saying “I’m an idiot.”

67. Never ask a bartender “What’s good tonight?”
They do not fly Scotch in “fresh from the coast” every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks at the bar,
get your damn drink and step the hell away.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family,
your father, your mother, your brothers and sisters.
Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you’re really drunk…. mother.

Poolside Tiki Bar in Las Vegas!

71. It’s acceptable, traditional, in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking.
You will mysteriously reappear, and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night.
Remember, you’re hammered, and they’re sober.
It’s like a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist.
99.9% of the time you’re wrong and, either way, you’re going to come off as a jackass.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you…..
you do not deserve a drink.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly,
wine makes you dramatic, and tequila makes you felonious.

“Jose Cuervo, you are no friend of mine.”

76. The greatest thing a drunk can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

77. NEVER preface a conversation with your bartender
with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”

78. When you’re in a bar and drunk,
your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.

79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months.
To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his/her hands has the right of way.

Smuggler’s Cove Tiki Bar in San Francisco, California

81. If you’re going to drink on the job, DRINK VODKA.
It’s the no-tell liquor.

82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon.
Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

84. An engraved flask is one of the best gifts you can ever give.
And make sure there’s something in it.

85. On the intimacy scale,
sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

86. You will forget everyone of of these rules by your fifth drink.

The Bar at Osteria Mozza in Hollywood, California

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Thanks for playing!
Please enjoy a tasty beverage.


Last Call! Closing Time!
Bonus! #87 – “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.” 



The Chimneysweep in Sherman Oaks, California


4 replies to “The 86 Rules of the Bar!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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