SATURDAY AFTERNOON NO BUENO.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): a mental health condition that’s triggered by a traumatic or terrifying event – either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms include flashbacks, nightmares or unwanted memories of the trauma, severe anxiety, depression, avoidance of situations that bring back memories of the trauma, anger, insomnia, heightened reactions, panic attacks, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.
NOTE: Triggered by a situation that was not of my making, extra frustrating because I knew it might happen and gave a warning, and then my warning was ignored.
Saturday – some time after 2pm:
I can’t focus. I can’t stop crying.
I’m going back and forth between uncontrollable anger and uncontrollable sadness.
Trying to countdown from 10 and can’t make it past 8….
For someone always “in control” this is beyond uncomfortable.
I’m starving because I didn’t have dinner last night and I want to make steak tacos, but as I was pounding the meat a few minutes ago I lost all interest in making food. And as I was losing it again, I thought maybe writing about how I was feeling would help, if not me maybe someone else.
My stomach is growling and bubbling with anxiety, and have a headache that feels like my head is in a pressure cooker, I’m feeling incredibly stressed and also ready to jump into a fight, but there’s no one here but me. And my heart feels like its gonna pop out of my chest like the creature in “Alien”….
There’s football on TV and I don’t care. The sound is off and I’m not able to pay attention to it. And I’m still on the verge of crying. Which is probably better than being balled up in bed weeping like I was 30 minutes ago before I went into the kitchen to make food.
KEEP IT TOGETHER. KEEP IT TOGETHER. KEEP IT TOGETHER.
IT IS NOT A JOKE.
The condition may last months or years, with triggers that can bring back memories of the trauma accompanied by intense emotional and physical reactions.
There are sirens from far away that set me off. I can hear them because I was sitting here in silence, and it’s a beautiful day outside, and the windows are open… but I can’t enjoy the beautiful day and I’m fucking sad. A few hours ago I was raging. Full of anger.
I still want to break something. Or grab a hammer or baseball bat and go to work.
But that’s not allowed.
Taking a lot of deep breaths and keep closing my eyes. And the fucking plumber is here fixing a toilet, so I can’t leave, not that I want to, but I can’t. And he keeps setting of the Ring chime to remind that he’s here fixing the toilet for hours.
And now I’m starving again with a fucking headache and the Ring chime keeps ringing. And now I’m crying again. KEEP IT ToGETHER.
It’s 5:01pm on Saturday. It should have been a nice day.
TOTAL FUCKING BUZZKILL.
Thinking, “should I edit this?” as I read what I wrote……. NO, just gonna leave it alone.
Probably won’t ever get published. PTSD is real. Depression is a killer.
Maybe we should talk about the weather. Out of the corner of our eye, I noticed football was over and boxing was beginning, so I changed the channel to the news and turned on the volume and it was the weather. Now it’s commercials. Volume off again.
Back to sitting here in silence, well not exactly, because the birds are making noise outside the window and the fucking plumber is still here.
Okay going to try food again. That will help with the headache I expect.
KEEP IT TOGETHER. Still just sitting here. 5:15pm
And now we’ve calmed down some, and we feel totally exhausted again. And our neck hurts from the stress. And the news is back on with the sound on and it’s the weather again on another channel. Timelapse of the Aurora Borealis in Finland… wow, we’d like to see that. news and commercials. MUTE.
Do we want food? I have to feed the dogs. 5:25pm
6:50pm UPDATE: The plumber finished. I thanked him and he left.
I fed and took care of the dogs and then made food. It had a calming effect.
Steak soft tacos with fresh guacamole and cran-raspberry juice for dinner.
Dogs are happy, and resting quietly. I feel better now.
THIS IS NO JOKE. Keep it together. Breathe.
NOTE: Our calm was restored, and the situation was corrected at 9pm. It was a very difficult day. I continued to work on this Blog Post but did not edit the original section.
People with PTSD are dangerous! There is a risk after the traumatic event of personality changes with serious individual and social consequences.
If you or someone you know is in crisis, there are places to get help. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available at 1-800-273-8255. You can also chat with them online at suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/.
Did you know that if you text 741741 when you are feeling depressed, suicidal or anxious, a crisis worker will text you back and continue to text with you? Many people, especially younger folks, do not like talking on the phone and would be more comfortable texting. It’s a free service to ANYONE – teens, adults, etc. – who lives in the U.S. It’s run by The Crisis Text Line and is legit.
Read the previous Blog Post “Depression? Questions to Ask – Before Giving Up!”>
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UPDATE: Very stressful Saturday, so we ate all of our See’s Valentine’s Day candies.
Update Monday February 17, 2020:
It took almost a day to recover (yesterday) and to return to “normal” and we are still feeling some after effects from Saturday’s freakout. Reviewing and reflecting on our feelings and trying to process it all. You don’t know about PTSD until you’ve been there.